My Road to a Positive Self Image

By: J’Laine Stutsman

Deciding to start college in my mid-thirties was not an easy decision, but thanks to the support of my family I was able to begin my journey to becoming an RD. When I first decided to go back to school I was not exactly sure what it was I wanted to do. It wasn’t until my oldest child was having GI complications and had to see a dietitian that I finally decided. I started this path because my son, but the further along I go the more I realize my own complicated relationship with food.

I came from the generation of having to eat everything off of your dinner plate before you could leave the table.  When dinner was complete I was always the last one at the table, while my family gathered in the living room. This eventually led to an absence of fullness, which led to weight gain overtime. Everything came to crashing down when in 6^th grade I was diagnosed with a reproductive disease called endometriosis. The only treatment was hormone therapy, which caused me to transform from a size 8 to a size 18 over one summer. As you can imagine such a large weight gain can be tough for any child. To make matters worse my mother was always trying to “help” me by trying to change things about me in an effort to make me look better. This lead to a feeling of not ever being good enough the way I was. I can’t blame my mother for everything, my grandmother and uncle helped to aide in my insecurities. You see on my mothers’ side I felt like the one that wasn’t as smart or pretty as my sister and the comments they sometimes only amplified my feelings. I spent every summer with my grandma telling me that I was too fat and needed to loose weight among other things. This only strengthened my feelings of not being good enough. Throughout my entire childhood my only saving grace was my father, but that didn’t completely drown out the insecurities.

After high school I fell into a tailspin of mentally abusive relationships. When the boyfriend I was living with cheated on me, of course it couldn’t have been him- I wasn’t good enough. I stopped eating in an effort to make myself more attractive. When the relationship ended I once again turned to food, but this time it was my comfort. It seemed like everything was back on track when at 22 I got pregnant with my first child and gained 100 pounds. Given my history I didn’t expect much from the man I was seeing who would later become my husband. He would become my second saving grace. No matter how many times I tried to push him away he never budged. He is the one that encouraged me to pursue school and has kept encouraging me with every bump and doubt throughout. My insecurities specifically body image is still something I struggle with. After 17 years of marriage and 3 kids I still sometimes feel uncomfortable when my husband wraps his arms around me. I may never be completely comfortable in my own skin, but I feel stronger every day.

Those that really know me know that I am not the type of person to share such intimate details into my life. I am sharing my story because I think it’s important for us to understand our own personal relationship with food if we are truly to help others with theirs.