The “Controversial” Story of How I Got Here
Caution: Extreme honesty ahead! (As if anyone who knows me
expected anything less!)
Everybody has a reason for choosing his or her life’s work. Think about the multitude of disciplines and the plethora of job titles that can be found under those disciplines. Now, if you are reading this, go ahead and think about why you chose your career. Chances are that for many of you, you realized you had a specific skill set or excelled in one area in one way or another. For those of us in the health professions, chances are we thought a little bit more with our hearts than with our heads. I know for myself in particular, the reason why I wanted to become a registered dietitian was something that is not only personal, but it can be considered controversial, as well - and this is because I am an eating disorder survivor. My mission in life is to help those with eating disorders/disordered eating get to a place of recovery and resiliency, because I was once lost in the depths of this debilitating disease and I’m not only surviving - I’m absolutely thriving.
So, for those of you who don’t know, I am sure you’re curious as to why my pursuing a career as a registered dietitian would be a topic of controversy. Before I get to that, I’d like to tell you the story of how I got to this point, so that you can have all of the facts before taking a side on the topic.
I was 15 years old and at the end of my sophomore year of high school when I began to starve myself. Many things happened to me as a teenager. Possibly my favorite person ever to exist, my Bubby (for those of you who don’t know what a Bubby is, it’s grandmother in Yiddish - an old time Jewish language of sorts), passed away. I really didn’t know how to deal with that. It was the first loss of that magnitude I had ever experienced. At the same time, I was developing this body that I absolutely hated. I was getting curvier, and my body was changing at an incredible rate. Some people literally used to call me “boobs,” back in high school. It’s all people looked at when they looked at me. I didn’t even know how to dress myself. All of my friends had these tiny bodies, and all I wanted to do was hide away because I was so uncomfortable with myself. I was sad over my Bubby passing, I hated the way I looked, and the only way I knew how to control it was to punish myself for the changes all I was going through. It’s funny to look back on it now, because I was 120 pounds, and I looked good! However, by the start of my junior year, I weighed 90 pounds. I hadn’t had a period for months. My hair was falling out. I was gaunt and had no energy to get through my days at school. I would overhear people at school whispering about how skinny I’d become, and I thrived on it. At the lowest point of my eating disorder, my diet consisted of an apple and a salad to get me through my days. Nobody knew how to approach me about what I was going through. So, my mom took me to my doctor and a dietitian. I was told I’d wind up in the hospital with tubes and needles sticking out of my arms and that I’d die. That scared me enough into eating again. However, my body and metabolism had become so screwed up that I ended up gaining almost 50 pounds back. Even though I gained the “required” weight, my eating disorder was never addressed, leaving it unresolved. I never learned how starving myself affected me physiologically. I never learned how to eat mindfully. I never learned that I was using starvation as a way to not have to deal with any of the changes in my life. Since none of this was addressed, I did not have the proper mechanisms to process the life changes that would inevitably come my way in the future.
Fast forward five years - I was a junior in college majoring in liberal studies. What is liberal studies you ask? It means you have zero clue what you want to pursue as a career. It means that you have to apply to grad school to have more years (and more loans) to figure it all out. It means that you take whatever classes sound good to you. As it was, I was lost. But my friend the eating disorder was sitting on my shoulder like the devil. For almost three years, I dipped into another period of restriction - and this time, excessive exercise - to cope with this new life change. I couldn’t fathom how someone with a college degree just simply could not find her passion. So, I kept my focus on how I was winning this game of restricting food while exercising during all of my free time throughout the day. One day - and I remember this day vividly - I was too tired to work out. I punished myself. I didn’t eat anything but a protein bar that entire day. The next day, I remember turning to my mom and telling her that I was worried because my hair was falling out in clumps. I was anxious because I didn’t want to gain weight, but I knew I was entirely too underweight. I was tired. I was tired of being tired. I knew I had to get help, but I didn’t know if I had the ability or the strength to see it all through. Then came the moment that changed the course of my life; I’m not being dramatic, either - this one moment really changed my life!
I knew dietitians as professionals in working with food. I knew what I was doing by using food restriction as a coping mechanism for life’s changes. I remember finding a particular outpatient dietitian’s website online. I said to my mom - the only person I trusted at the time to know what I was going through - I think I need to call this person for help. Hands down it was the best decision I have ever made. This particular dietitian - we will call her “L” - never gave up on me. Each time we met, L guided me through each appointment in a way that allowed me to talk about what I felt contributed to the patterns I had held onto for years. I never once felt uncomfortable or ashamed in L’s presence, because each session felt like a natural conversation. I felt like for once I was talking to somebody that really understood me. And my eating disorders started to feel like an evil burden on my body.
Now I know what you’re thinking; eating disorder recovery seems so easy. Not so fast. Part of what made L so amazing is that whenever I left each session, I felt encouraged to take the goals we set and work on them. It took me some time to trust in our connection as practitioner and patient, but as I said before, L never gave up on me. If I came back to session and did not complete an assignment or achieve a goal, L held me accountable. In time, by trusting L, I learned to trust myself and the ability I had to make a full recovery. Throughout the recovery process, I reiterated to L that I wanted to take what I’ve learned and help others just like me. I realized that as our sessions became fewer and far between, I was recovering, but the need to help others in my position was not wavering. I realized that I wanted to become an eating disorders dietitian just like L.
I waited until I felt like I was at a place in my recovery in which I would be able to fully immerse myself into my schoolwork and field experiences, and I made the decision to return to school to pursue a career as a registered dietitian. I worked incredibly hard and received my bachelor’s degree in nutrition and dietetics in 2016, and began my dietetic internship/masters degree at SLU in 2017, focusing on pediatric nutrition. Although it has been an arduous and long journey, I have never lost sight of my goal of becoming an eating disorders dietitian. If I can replicate in the future - even just one time - what L did for me and save even one life .. well, I’d say I’m going to be a damn good eating disorders dietitian.
So let’s get back to the controversial topic of being an eating disorder survivor and becoming a registered dietitian. It’s very easy to assume that someone who has battled eating disorders will judge their patients. It’s very easy to assume that someone who has once battled eating disorders will relapse again and encourage his or her patients to continue on with their disordered behavior. It’s very easy to assume that counseling and educating eating disorder patients will result in the registered dietitian relapsing into prior behaviors. It’s simply very easy to assume that someone who has battled eating disorders will never fully experience recovery.
These assumptions are not proven facts. While dietitians who are eating disorder survivors may be at an increased risk of relapsing, this does not mean that they cannot effectively counsel eating disorder patients. I personally know many former alcohol and drug abusers who have made careers out of counseling current alcohol and drug abusers. Therefore, I cannot change your opinion if you’ve already formed one about this topic, but let me be a vocal exception to all of those assumptions. I am an eating disorder survivor and thriver, and I am here to tell you that my MISSION in life is to help my future patients overcome their eating disorders/disordered eating and live, love, and value their lives. I’ve often abided by the poem “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost. “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” My “roads” were not about one path vs. another path. I did not choose my eating disorders. However, I wanted to make something out of the path that I took, and hopefully I will make a difference in the paths of those that come after me.
Photo Credit:
https://www.amazon.in/Alter-Ego-Robert-Famous-Inspirational/dp/B01D5WK4FU
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